Baldyman

The red cups have appeared at Starbucks, the Festive Bake is back on the menu at Greggs, Chris Rea has his key firmly in the ignition and Michael Buble has just popped to the dry cleaners to collect his favourite suit. It’s that time of year when the old Woolworths shop that was boarded up for months has now opened as a ‘Christmas Bazaar’, with the most bizarre thing about it being why anyone would decide to put any of the shit that they sell in their house ( I of course came out loaded with bags). Other tell-tale signs include;

• People that can’t be arsed to send out cards post a family picture on Facebook in front of a Christmas tree claiming they are donating to an unspecified charity this year instead (I’m sure they all do).
• Houses across the country are ransacked as the annual sellotape hunt kicks into action (“I bought 6 rolls last year that I didn’t use and they were definitely in that drawer”).
• Parents forfeiting a half day from their annual leave to watch a severely under rehearsed school play in which their child (having failed to show even a glimpse of dramatic promise in the auditions) has been cast in the non-speaking role of ‘third donkey from the left’.
• The mystery of how to correctly wrap a football is once again contemplated but remains unsolved (it always ends up looking like it’s been done by an untrained chimpanzee wearing oven gloves).
• Decision time arrives as to whether the jar of pickled onions at the back of the cupboard is capable of seeing it through its third festive period on the trot (irrelevant really as no sober person ever eats them).

From a young age we are all taught about the birth of the baby Jesus but personally I have my doubts as to whether Bethlehem was the actual place in which it occurred. What we do know is;

1. Large groups of people converged on this place from miles around.
2. All the rooms were fully booked.
3. An unexplained pregnancy was involved.
4. Donkeys and bright lights were mentioned.
5. There were only a handful of wise men there.

Taking all this evidence into consideration it seems clear to me that the Son of Christ was in fact almost certainly born in Blackpool. This would have given the nativity scene a very different look with the shepherds holding sticks of rock, Joseph with a bucket and spade, Mary wearing a ‘Kiss Me Quick’ hat and the Three Kings joined by Stacy’s hen do fully equipped with veils, L Plates and a large inflatable penis.

We’ve all been through the feeling of receiving underwhelming Christmas presents and I’m sure Jesus was no exception to this either. Receiving gold as your first gift is only really going to leave you with unrealistically high expectations so I can’t help but think  it must have been a huge disappointment to discover that the next two were frankincense (fragrance) and then myrrh (even more fragrance). This is the equivalent of unwrapping your first three packages on Christmas morning to discover that your new PS5 has been swiftly followed by a Lynx Africa gift set and a bottle of ‘Attraction’ aftershave bought from the Avon lady in her Black Friday flash sale ( I’m more of a Voodoo and Blue Stratos man myself).

It is not uncommon for people to give their partners heavy and continuous hints if they have something in particular that they would like to receive. I was in this very scenario many years ago when I started early in October on my quest for a yuletide DVD player (you really feel your age when something you coveted so greatly back then is now basically a redundant item). So I’m sure you can imagine my delight when my plan seemed to have fallen perfectly into place when, as the big day approached, an appropriately sized box appeared wrapped and labelled under the tree. In the same vain I’m sure you can equally imagine my despair when after eagerly ripping off the paper, in front of both my girlfriend’s parents no less, I was faced with a new non-stick frying pan twin set (totally true story).This left me in a situation where;

1. My DVD copy of ‘The Matrix’ that I had already bought in advance had to be reluctantly returned to HMV.
2. My visual requirements remained solely in the hands of my VHS Ferguson Videostar.
3. My fried eggs reached a new level of near perfection.
4. My girlfriend very soon after no longer held that status.

They say that it is the most wonderful time of the year but when it’s approaching midnight on Christmas Eve and you’re only half way through constructing a Fisher-Price children’s deluxe kitchenette, this can take some convincing (especially when they are likely to spend more time playing with the box it came in). Whether it’s drinking Santa’s thankyou drink (“Yes darling I do think he’d prefer a double whisky rather than milk.”) or biting the end off of Rudolf’s carrot ( this is not a euphemism) I’ve always thought it’s important to put the effort into creating a magical and authentic experience for your children. A trail of talcum powder footprints around the house is another classic illusion conjured up by countless parents around the world. Personally I have never been a big fan of this one because in my opinion it;

1. Bears no real resemblance to the texture or consistency of actual fallen snow.
2. Requires the use of a hoover (when only eating & drinking are allowed) on Christmas Day.
3. Calls into question the intelligence of your children when it’s inevitably not actually snowing outside.

In today’s society a trail of white powder is more likely to be seen as evidence that Father Christmas is struggling to control an insatiable cocaine habit which would actually go a long way to explain how he gets around all the countries so quickly and why Rudolf’s nose is the colour it is.

My youngest son is now at an age where this year will almost certainly be the last one when he still believes that Santa Claus is real (spoiler alert he’s not). For most this would be a sad end to the magic but for me it is the long overdue moment that I can finally take full credit for years of expensive presents that were previously credited to a mythical fat, bearded bloke that came down a chimney that we never had. Personally I first started to have my own doubts at the age of about 8 when I came down on Christmas morning to find no presents for me at all under the tree (true story). I remember my Mum’s expression looking almost as shocked as my own but it turned out that the big man was just a bit behind with his deliveries and after I had been ushered away into the kitchen for a few minutes they were all there on my return (it truly was a time for miracles).

When the presents are all finally put together and wrapped I do at least get the luxury of four hours sleep before I’m up again at 5am to put a turkey that feeds 11-15 people into the oven when we are actually only expecting 6. This is a fool proof plan however as it means we then get to enjoy a week of sandwiches, curries and stir fries made from the leftovers of a dry and tasteless meat that I would never even consider buying any time outside of December.

The whole of the festive period is a crazy time in regards to food and starts on the 1^st December with the opening of the first window of the advent calendar. Thus begins a 24 day cycle over which the human body is gradually acclimatised to consuming chocolate first thing in the morning in order for it to be fully prepared when it is required to eat an entire selection box before 9am on Christmas day. In a bid to impress a host of friends and family members (the majority of which you have shown no interest in attempting to catch up with over the previous 12 months) people will find themselves cooking in ways they wouldn’t even contemplate at any other time of the year. As soon as I put on my novelty Xmas apron (“If you jingle my bells I’ll give you a white Christmas”) strange things start to happen and I will suddenly find myself;

• Meticulously wrapping rashers of bacon around sausages as if my life depended on it (when I was a student my housemate told me that ‘pigs in blankets’ were what you’d wake up in bed with on Sunday morning if your Saturday night out hadn’t quite ended as planned).
• Boiling gammon joints in giant vats of Coca-Cola (if Nigella suggests it I’m not refusing).
• Mixing Brussels sprouts with a combination of pancetta and chestnuts (I had to google both of these to even know what they looked like but there’s  a guarantee that gas masks will be required from 4pm onwards).
• Taking perfectly tasty root vegetables and, like a demented arsonist with a petrol can, repeatedly dousing them in pools of honey (the only things that are usually glazed in my house are my sons’ eyes when I start recounting my ‘amusing’ stories from my youth).

Christmas pudding has a taste which immediately explains why its popularity only stretches to one day a year while mince pies have gained a bad reputation for being the Christmas product that feels absolutely no shame at appearing on supermarket shelves as early as mid-October. And with breakfast and lunch swiftly followed by trifle, cheese board, nibbles, sandwiches and half a tub of Cadbury’s heroes, there’s nothing more satisfying than ending the day with a big chocolate log (don’t be so childish).

When the eatathon is finally over we can roll ourselves onto the sofa (with twiglets close at hand just in case of course) and watch the Queen’s Speech about her annus horribilis (spell check was vitally important here), Top of the Pops (the last one I saw was hosted by Jimmy Saville!) and then decide on a suitable Christmas movie. Previous favourites have included Home Alone, Die Hard, It’s a Wonderful Life and Santa Claus the Movie as there’s nothing more festive than sitting down with the family to watch films about child neglect, terrorism, suicide and a tyrant who oversees a giant sweatshop where little people are forced to mass produce toys for long hours in cramped conditions.

First made by the London sweet maker Tom Smith in 1845, there is nothing more synonymous with the festive spirit than the good old Christmas cracker. It gets conversation going as people weigh up who they want to compete against, livens up proceedings with an excitingly loud bang (unless you’re tight with no sense of occasion and buy them for £3.99 from Home Bargains) and then leaves those contesting the pull with the agonising decision of how to best share out its revealed contents. This is made an increasingly difficult task due to the high quality entertainment items that are likely to be found inside which invariably will include;

• A brightly coloured wafer thin tracing paper crown that for reasons unknown people of all ages are put under extreme duress to wear whilst eating (mine always split as they don’t seem to cater for people with turnip sized heads).
• A Christmas themed ‘joke’ of such poor quality that it would not even make it into an episode of ‘Mrs Browns Boys’ (“Who hides in a bakery at Christmas? A mince spy” / “What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations? Tinsillitis”).
• A pair of nail cutters so small that even The Borrowers would struggle to make effective use of them.
• A yo-yo or a net of marbles which will prove invaluable if at any point your children decide to return to a Dickensian lifestyle.
• A plastic fortune telling fish whose specific movements in the palm of your hand will unequivocally clarify whether your current feelings are those of jealousy, passion, indifference, happiness or love.

I will leave you with a Christmas joke that while not original, I wanted to include as I thought it was funny.

Three men die in a car crash on Christmas Eve and find themselves at the gates to heaven where St. Peter tells them that they must present something ‘Christmassy’ if they are to be allowed in.

The first man searches his pocket and finds a piece of mistletoe which he hands over so he is allowed in.

The second man presents some tinsel so he is also allowed in.

The third man then pulls out a matching set of bra and panties. Looking confused at his offering, St. Peter asks, “How do these represent Christmas?”

To which the third man replies, “They’re Carol’s.”

Thanks once again for reading and if you are a Dad on Christmas Day please do your very best to look surprised when you unwrap your pants, socks and ‘Beers from Around the World’ selection pack.

Merry Christmas Everyone!!