Baldyman

Last week saw the arrival of Valentine’s Day and throughout my house the unmistakable smell of true romance was in the air (actually spelt ‘Tru Romance’ and seemed an absolute bargain at £4.99 from ‘Perfume Pete’ down the market). What better way is there to show that special someone in your life how much you truly love them than a 49p mass produced purchase from ‘Cards Galore’ that you’ve not even been bothered to take the price sticker off of.

Valentine’s Day always reminds me of an old University friend of mine who met his now wife for the first time on 14^th February which was also the day she was born. So in a masterstroke of pure genius (which immediately elevated him to legend status) the Anniversary/ Birthday/ Valentine celebrations were instantly amalgamated into one, for the kind of cost saving triple whammy that most men could only ever dream of (there is definitely a frugal theme emerging here).

The efforts and extravagance for Valentine’s Day tend to peak early in a relationship and then slowly diminish before the arrival of children (throwing Mother’s Day into the mix) leads to its overall ranking plummeting to the depths of ‘marginally more important than Shrove Tuesday.’

It will always start strongly with a complete package (no pun intended) compiled to impress (with a helping hand from wonga.co.uk) as the man pulls out all the stops to woo (get his leg over with) his intended. Once the relationship is established (she’s fallen for it) there will then be a subtle yet deliberate drop through the gears as outlined below.

Gold (Out to Create a False Impression of Wealth) Package

• Weekend Away (4 poster bed, candles around bath & rose petals sprinkled on duvet)
• Card (From Clintons – oversized, padded & presented in its own box)
• Flowers (From a florist- courier delivered to work to express undying love)
• Chocolates (Hand crafted by French chocolatiers – double layered)
• Perfume (Celebrity endorsed – latest range)
• Balloon (Helium that ascends when released from gift box revealing romantic /vomit inducing message e.g. “Be Mine / Mine Forever”).

Silver (Still Out to Impress) Package

• Night Out (Travelodge, free shower gel, double the normal price meal out that includes a budget quality artificial rose in a plastic tube)
• Card (From ‘Card Factory’ – oversized & presented in giant envelope)
• Flowers (From Tesco – hand delivered)
• Chocolates (Machine crafted by Cadburys – single layer)
• Perfume (Anything in a bottle that is reduced).
• Balloon (N/A)

Bronze (Starting to Give Up) Package

• Night In (‘M&S Dine in for Two’reluctantly eaten at the table rather than on the lap watching EastEnders)
• Card (From Garage – standard size & presented in standard envelope) *
• Flowers (From Garage – not delivered – left on the kitchen work surface) *
• Chocolates (From Garage – single bar – preferably from the £1 counter promotion) *
• Perfume (N/A)
• Balloon (N/A)

*Purchased simultaneously which not only provides convenience but also presents the option of using the 5p flimsy carrier bag as a form of cut-price gift wrap.

Zinc (Given Up) Package

• Night In (Chicken Kiev eaten on the lap watching EastEnders)
• Card (From least time-consuming outlet (corner shop/Co-Op) – presented in incorrect sized envelope due to post 5pm purchase)
• Flowers (N/A)
• Chocolates (N/A)
• Perfume (N/A)
• Balloon (N/A)

My wife and I actually took things even one step further this year as I primed myself to secretly purchase her card a whole day before the event (“fail to prepare then prepare to fail” as my old chemistry teacher used to say). “I’m just popping out for a minute” I said to her, undoubtedly throwing her off the real scent of my intentions with a performance Al Pacino would have been jealous of. “I wouldn’t bother if I was you” came her immediate reply, “I haven’t got one for you yet either.” I paused for a moment to muster a suitably romantic ideology, “No you’re right” I said, “We don’t need a card to symbolise the level of love we have for each other.” I won’t print her response.

My 7-year-old son had also jumped on the romantic bandwagon and I was therefore handed the great responsibility of making a stealth delivery on his behalf to a house up our street. In the knowledge that detection and subsequent failure was not an option I made the calculated decision to begin my quest under the cover of darkness (having read ‘Bravo Two Zero’ twice I’m pretty sure this is what Andy McNab would have done).Blending into the shadows like an overweight, middle aged chameleon, my covert operation was up and running as I made my move into the moonlight with the theme tune to ‘Mission Impossible’ playing loudly in my head. Tom Cruise, as I remember, had been wearing a flattering, tight fitting black ensemble as he was elegantly suspended by wires in a daring attempt to extract a secret code. I was dressed in baggy Minion pyjama bottoms and grey slippers as I hobbled up the road like an extra from the Thriller video in a failed attempt to stuff a chocolate rose through a nearby spring loaded letterbox.

With mission accomplished (fingers almost severed and chocolate rose abandoned on the doorstop) I began my escape which in my mind was near identical to James Bond majestically weaving his way at speed through a busy Moroccan marketplace having earlier emerged from the sea wearing a pair of cheeky blue spray on budgie smugglers. In reality it was closer to Wendy Craig than Daniel, as a hunched, out of breath, uncle Fester lookalike who, for all intents and purposes, appeared to be fleeing the scene of a crime, staggered from side to side in some ill-fitting character print nightwear.

In hindsight (it’s a wonderful thing) if I had been spotted in full flow by the local constabulary it could have made for quite an interesting conversation;

POLICE: “And where might you be going in such a hurry Sir?”

ME: “I’m going home.”

POLICE: “And where might you have been coming from Sir?”

ME: “I’ve just been out delivering a Valentine’s card.”

POLICE: “And who might that have been to Sir?”

ME: “The seven-year-old girl that lives on the corner.”

POLICE: “You have the right to remain silent…..”

In other news this week those of you with concerns that I might not be using my free time productively will be pleased to discover that I have finalised the concept for a new sure-fire winner daytime reality game show. It is fundamentally a hybrid of ‘Supermarket Sweep’, ‘Can’t Cook Won’t Cook’ and ‘The Price is Right’ whereby couples are challenged to purchase food ingredients solely from items brandishing a ‘Reduced to Clear’ sticker at 9am in their local shop.

With a current working title of either ‘My Big Fat Cut Priced Breakfast’ (modified slightly to adhere to political correctness laws) or ‘We Eat Any Sh*t .com’, it is aimed at the prime pre-Loose Women time slot and will follow first hand both the highs (Ginsters Peppered Steak Slice & Muller Corner) and the lows (Crème Fresh & Kale) of this culinary rollercoaster. Friday episodes will see an added dramatic twist when items are not available for purchase until after the weekly school assembly with contestants’ emotions pushed to the limit (think S.A.S Who Dares Wins but with Ambrosia Custard Pots).

So when some of you are perhaps reluctantly beginning your working days in this Brexit ravaged, pro vegan Britain we now live in, please feel a little happier in the knowledge that (for the purposes of research)  it is highly likely that I will be in the Co-Op jostling with an octogenarian from local sheltered housing over the ownership of the last half priced family sized pork pie ** (the ones with walking sticks can be particularly vicious).

** To anyone worried that financial constraints might have forced me into these actions, please rest assured that I was extremely tight and prone to this kind of behaviour long before the redundancy ever occurred.

In book news, following my meeting at the local infant school I am now going to be their guest on World Book Day when I will be reading my story and answering questions about writing from the children. For my work to be considered of a suitable quality for this and to take the role of a future author for the first time are both massive boosts for me.

Thanks again for reading.